Thursday, August 18, 2011

Cut the Strings with the Control Freak in your life

At some point in your life, you have had an experience with a control freak. They show up in our lives in all shapes and forms. These people insist having it their way and in all interactions with you. They set the agenda and decide how and when something will be done. You know exactly who these people are in your life - they are family members, friends, a romantic partner, a spouse, a coworker or a boss – they are driven by the compulsive need to be in charge and control the pace of events and the relationship. And it is your job to automatically play the assigned role that they have decided on your behalf, otherwise by not living up to this role, clearly in the mind of the control freak you are a threat that did not accede to their needs and demands; which creates unhappiness and unwanted pressure for the control freak.

I am in support and promote being in control of your own life. Yet if you have the controlling need to have control of the people around you and you cannot rest until you have your way – you are a Control Freak and have a personality disorder.

The factual truth of the matter is the Control Freak is so terrified deep down inside of being vulnerable, because then it would be very uncomfortable and they would fumble around similarly to fish out of water.

The Control Freak is compulsive – a person who seeks perfection, orderliness, workaholic, inability to make commitments, trust other people and their GREATEST FEAR is being EXPOSED.

Control freaks have an urge (addiction) to control everything, causing others stress so they can maintain a sense of order. These people are riddled with anxiety, fear, insecurity, and anger. They’re very critical of themselves their lover, their friends, peers and everyone around them; yet I want you to know underneath their pretty painted picture that their life is spectacular is a mountain of unhappiness and a depth of unbending rules. Their compulsion is an avoidance strategy designed to deny their emotional pain or allow themselves to avoid being responsible for the messes they create with the people they desire to control.

So what makes control freaks tick? What are tips to deal with them and heal from them?

Let’s keep it simple, shall we? Let’s talk about the Psychological Dynamics of the Control Freak.

Image for a moment we are behind the scenes taking an inside look at the Control Freak in your life. The inner workings of this person are fear and anxiety, yet this person is so out of touch with their emotions to be aware and is afraid to do so. Their work worries are others not acknowledging them for their accomplishments or how brilliant they are and they worry about failure. In relationships, they worry about themselves getting hurt and their needs not getting met. No one could live up their expectations.

To control their fears, the Control Freak makes every attempt to control the people or the environment around them. Control Freaks have difficulty with negotiation or compromise because they view these traits as weak. Imperfection in another from their view is very wrong and cannot be tolerated. Yes, control freaks are difficult to work with, live with and to participate in activities with.

It is very normal to have harsh resentments towards these kinds of people. Working with or being involved with a control freak is stifling to your identity and to your health. You feel shut down and restricted. It is as though they pressed the mute button on your life. You end up walking on eggs shells around this person because you need to follow along with their rules that you will never get right because they never disclosed the rules or take your thoughts and feelings into consideration. It is game that you can never win because by design you will never receive a rule handbook or notification when the rules change.

Yes this is why you resent these people.

I want to help you to see the situation differently, so you can heal quicker and you will no longer take these folks so personal. You may even see these folks from a comical and compassionate place.

Ready? Here is bottom line, the control freaks behaviors tell everyone around them that they are incompetent and they just cannot trust you or anyone. This is because the Control Freak is continuously defending him/herself against their fears and anxiety. I know this is not very clear when they are making their demands, yet beneath the surface, the Control Freak is fighting off their own deep seated sense of helplessness and ineffectiveness in which creates a lot of shame, guilt, anger and fear inside of the Control Freak. By becoming proficient at trying to control other people, they push away their own fear of being out of control and helpless. Controlling is a Fear-based management tool.

The control freak has a lot at stake, if you really think about it through their eyes. Remember when you have held a conversation or attempted engage them in some way, if you paid attention to their physiology, you would have noticed a shift in their physical appearance. This is because their emotional stakes involve protecting/defending their own identity and sense of well-being. Control gives them the temporary illusion of calmness. When they believe they are dominant, you can watch the tension leaking from them. The control freak is very alarmed and fear driven. Part of their strategy is to induce that fear in you with the indirect threat of loss. Since the emotional stakes are so high for them, they need to assert themselves with you so they do not feel so helpless. To surrender control is the same as being victimized and overwhelmed. When a control freak cannot control, they go through a series of rapid phases. First they become angry and agitated, then they become panicky and apprehensive, then they become agitated and threatening, and then they lapse into depression and despair. In layman terms, they Freak Out.

Repetition Compulsion
Control freaks become addicted to repetition compulsion. They repeat the same pattern again and again to avoid their fear, insecurities and pain that they feel. People they attempt to control may change yet the pattern of what they do is always the same. The repetition compulsion takes on a life of its own, which becomes delusional. Rather than feel calmer and therefore have a diminished need to be controlling, their behavior locks them into the same pattern in a voracious way. It becomes their drug of choice. Always needing more victims to control and feed off of. Even though the Control Freak is a Master at controlling and manipulating others, the successes do not register in their internal scoreboard. The insanity truly is they have to fight off the same threat again and again with increasing rigidity and narrow-mindedness. This leads the Control-Freak to make the same life style choices all starting and ending in the same manner. Nothing really changes for the Control Freak. They do the same thing over and over.

Two Types of Control Freaks

Type 1 Control Freaks: The Type 1 control freak is strictly attempting to cope with their fear in an egocentric way. Their motive is to feel better. They are not very aware of you. Notice and see their agitation and nervousness. They usually do not make much eye contact when they are talking with you.

Type 2 Control Freaks: The Type 2 control freak is also trying to manage their fear in an egocentric way yet in addition they are very aware of you as opposed to the Type 1 control freak. The Type 2 needs to weaken you to feel better. Their mood rises as they push you down. They do not just want to triumph; they also need to believe that they have defeated you. They need you to feel helpless so they will not feel helpless. Their belief is that someone must feel helpless in any interchange and they desperately do not want it to be them. The Type 1 needs control. The Type 2 needs to control you.

Cutting the Strings with the Control Freak

1) Be calm. Control freaks tend to generate a lot of tension in those around them. Try to maintain a comfortable distance so that you can remain centered while you speak with them. Focus on your breathing. As they get more agitated and demanding, allow yourself to breathe slowly and deeply. By staying calm and focused, this often has the effect of relaxing them as well. If you get frantic you have joined the battle on their terms.

2) Speak very slowly. The normal tendency is to gear up and speak rapidly when dealing with a control freak. This will only draw you into the emotional turmoil and you will quickly be personalizing what is occurring.

3) Be very patient. Control freaks need to feel heard. The fact of the matter is they do not have that much to say. It is only when you engage them in a power struggle or challenge their disposition; they will have a lot to verbally unload. By listening and acknowledging them that you have heard them, and then they will resolve whatever the issue is and calmly move on.

4) Pay attention to your induced reactions. What is this person trying to emotionally induce in you? Notice how you feel when speaking with them. It will give you important clues as to how to deal with them more effectively and appropriately.

5) Initially, let them control the agenda. You control the pacing. If you stay calm and speak your truth slowly, you will be in command of the pacing of the conversation.

6) Treat them with kindness. Within most control freaks is a good measure of paranoia. They are ready to get angry and defend against what they perceive is a controlling hostile world. If you treat them with respect and kindness, their paranoia cannot take root. This will jam them up.

7) Make demands on them-- especially when dealing with the type 2 control freak. Ask them to send you something or do something for you. By asking something of them, you will be indicating that you are not intimidated or diminished by their behavior patterns. ( Yet if they do not deliver your request, do not take it personal, they are very unreliable. Unless the request allows them to control you more. )

8) Remember an old but poignant Maxim: “Those who demand the most often give the least.”

Keep in mind that control freaks are not trying to hurt you – they’re trying to protect themselves. Remind yourself that their behavior toward you isn’t personal; the compulsion was there before they met you, and it will be their forever unless they get professional help and have the willingness to change. You cannot make them get help. They are no different than a drug addict or an alcoholic. Their behavior is not a problem for them; it is a problem for you. They live in denial that a problem exists. Understand they are skilled manipulators, artful and intimidating, well-rehearsed storytellers and excellent at distorting reality.

In order to not feel degraded, humiliated and have your sense of self and self-worth assaulted, you need to reclaim your genuine worth so you do not allow yourself to be bulldozed by a controlling lover, family member, boss or friend. When you are caught up in a truly destructive/controlling attachment, the best response is to walk out and allow yourself to heal and detach. Understand that whatever you do, it will have a limited effect. These people are angry and afraid to let go of you. So it is your job to let go of them, protect yourself in the process… and allow you to grow and be who you truly are.



Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Three Tips to Unblock your Entrepreneurial Spirit

Dear Reader,

In my line of work, I have been blessed to meet so many interesting people who want to do their part by adding value to the world through their work and their specific niche. Fabulous people who have an Entrepreneurial Spirit and desire to share pressing knowledge with the world, yet they feel blocked by some force that is misunderstood, which results in a state of resentment. These folks I am speaking of are men and women, various races, and all ages. These folks have varying levels of education and are skilled in an assortment of work disciplines. What I am describing is a very common human condition, in which this challenge bypasses no one, in the perseverance to incarnate one’s vision successfully.

Because of these blocks, many people end up in careers that provide a paycheck as the main fulfillment, yet the spirit inside of the person is left suppressed. This suppressed state creates boredom, frustration, stress, victimization, shame, doubt and insecurity, in which generates complacency; in turn grows the blockage inside, activating a wall of fear-based resistance. This very resistance blocks the person’s ability to receive thriving results out of life.

If something inside of you is nudging to stop holding yourself back and come alive to participate in work that is aligned with your Entrepreneurial Spirit, apply the tips precisely that I am about to provide for you. Work is meant to be fun, meaningful, and prosperous. It is also meant to connect you with a population who is searching to use your product or service to solve something pressing that is causing their world difficulty.

Remember, you are the masterpiece of your own life and know from this moment forward success is sum of small efforts practiced daily. You have all the equipment you need to succeed. I encourage you to dare something worthy with your skills and talents. By holding back you are playing small and holding back solutions to benefit the world. Yes I realize the programming that most of us acquired instills beliefs to hold ourselves back from the worthiness of our birthright. It is not your fault, because you didn’t know any better. Now you know, you are responsible for what you believe.

Beliefs are determinates of what you experience in your world. It is that simple. If you hold a belief, for example, that you can’t have a positive cash flow and be successful at something you have passion for. In this simple example, you would never allow yourself to make money at something you are passionate about. You would take on mediocre work. You would have created unworthiness, doubt, obstacles, stress, limitation and blockages about your passion. And you probably would complain about the job you have. You would participate in work that you have no love for.

Now that you know, you have the option to do something better with the use your time, energy, skills and talents. You deserve to be happy and have prosperity. And you deserve to unblock yourself to have a thriving life.

Tip number one:

1.Stop searching for what the world needs, discover what helps you become alive and go do that. Capture for yourself the emotional state that you want to feel when you have a positive cash flow from the work that comes from your Entrepreneurial Spirit. Your emotional state is the fuel to reach the outcome you desire. For example, if you want to feel happy, confident, courageous and motivated. Be clear about how all those emotions feel. Allow yourself to feel success.

Tip number two:

2.Clean up anything in your life you resent or have a negative attitude toward. Negativity, anger, fear, worry, victimization, shame and apathy are examples of resentment. Forgive yourself, your decisions and anyone involved. What is done is done. If have clients that frustrate you, clean up the frustration. You may need to have a conversation with your client or you may need to break off the relationship. Either way, take healthy active steps that clear away any negativity. If you have job duties that frustrate you such as paperwork for example. Practice loving the activity or love the activity by outsourcing if you can. Removing negativity from your life loosens the blocks and releases the blocks grip on you.

Tip number three:

3.Pay attention to understand what you are challenged by. These challenges are blessings in disguise. These challenges are road maps to what your Entrepreneurial Spirit is here to provide a solution for. Learn to transform the problems you are experiencing into solutions. My entire business concept was conceived out of my frustration with bureaucratic cultures that maintain complacent practices and lack the sense of urgency to evolve; and as a result have forgotten their greatest asset is their people.

I can empathize with all you that feel stuck, or feel unworthy or have fear or have no idea of how to put your ideas together. It takes BIG BOLD COURAGE to get out of your own way and to be unaffected by the good opinions of others. Yes, the risk is yours and so is the GLORY!!

Remember every creation in our world is the human imagination pushed out. You can achieve anything you put your mind to. There is something that you know that you don’t know, and you may not know how to begin. Yet, believe me, you do know. Face your fear, practice the tips to unblock your ability to receive flow, surrender to Entrepreneurial Spirit that so desperately wants to come alive and then you are ready to begin to thrive.



Monday, March 14, 2011

I want it NOW and I DESERVE IT NOW

It is a non-debatable fact that our world is more challenging today. With the advancement of hand held mobile devices we have instant access to the people in our personal and professional world. Expectations for all us have drastically increased for how quickly we respond to those wanting interaction from us.

The way we interact with one another today is far different than it was 25 years ago. Social Media has created the opportunity for all to have many virtual relationships and instant knowledge about people, events, advertisements, services and products. When mobile phones first entered the market, they were big and used for emergency purposes. Today these devices are smaller and far more intelligent. These devices make phone calls, access the internet, email, take photos, record video and audio, text and much more. All these features are amazing to have in one small device. Yet they add increased stress and attention deficit in the lives of most people.

We end up constantly tuning into the ups and downs of the external world and place our inner world on the back burner. We see so many stories about economic challenges in so many industries such as: banking, real estate, transportation, energy, health and manufacturing. We are challenged by America buying into a deadly product named debt. We are all attracted to the instant gratification of the TAX deduction incentive of DEBT. Today so much of America is a slave to DEBT. Today we are confronted with the high costs of oil and gas. The price to fuel our vehicles and our homes are increasing daily. The number of people with cancer, diabetes and who are obese are on the rise.

Here is the bottom line, all of this has created a world that has more stress, fear, separation, distraction, inaction, difficulty and fatigue. We have normalized this kind of busy chaos and expect everything to be at our fingertips instantly. Living in this type of world it is ever more important to be able to manage the ever changing moods and behavior that is all around us.

Since I live in this world with all of you, I recognize the value of wellness and instantaneous rejuvenation. I value both instant and delayed gratification. I value the health of my mind, my emotions and my body. This type of wellness is critical for me to move progress forward daily on my BIG goals that I have set out for myself while simultaneously combating daily challenges and setbacks that compete for my time and energy.

I have discovered an enticing technology in 2010 that has helped me in the following areas of my life:

• Transformed stress in my body, mind and emotions into instant
• Dissolved distractions in focused action
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• Have total ease in approaching difficult or uncomfortable
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• Problems that I perceived as huge transformed into manageable
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These results are amazing!!!!

I have never been a slacker. I am a person who strives for more and more in life. Since I coach people for a living and help others measure their progress, I decided to measure my own. By documenting my daily achievement I have tracked these amazing results. Every day is more exciting and more beautiful no matter what is happening in the external world around me.

I can transform any difficulty into a successful outcome or find
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