Cut the Strings with the Control Freak in your life

At some point in your life, you have had an experience with a control freak. They show up in our lives in all shapes and forms. These people insist having it their way and in all interactions with you. They set the agenda and decide how and when something will be done. You know exactly who these people are in your life - they are family members, friends, a romantic partner, a spouse, a coworker or a boss – they are driven by the compulsive need to be in charge and control the pace of events and the relationship. And it is your job to automatically play the assigned role that they have decided on your behalf, otherwise by not living up to this role, clearly in the mind of the control freak you are a threat that did not accede to their needs and demands; which creates unhappiness and unwanted pressure for the control freak.

I am in support and promote being in control of your own life. Yet if you have the controlling need to have control of the people around you and you cannot rest until you have your way – you are a Control Freak and have a personality disorder.

The factual truth of the matter is the Control Freak is so terrified deep down inside of being vulnerable, because then it would be very uncomfortable and they would fumble around similarly to fish out of water.

The Control Freak is compulsive – a person who seeks perfection, orderliness, workaholic, inability to make commitments, trust other people and their GREATEST FEAR is being EXPOSED.

Control freaks have an urge (addiction) to control everything, causing others stress so they can maintain a sense of order. These people are riddled with anxiety, fear, insecurity, and anger. They’re very critical of themselves their lover, their friends, peers and everyone around them; yet I want you to know underneath their pretty painted picture that their life is spectacular is a mountain of unhappiness and a depth of unbending rules. Their compulsion is an avoidance strategy designed to deny their emotional pain or allow themselves to avoid being responsible for the messes they create with the people they desire to control.

So what makes control freaks tick? What are tips to deal with them and heal from them?

Let’s keep it simple, shall we? Let’s talk about the Psychological Dynamics of the Control Freak.

Image for a moment we are behind the scenes taking an inside look at the Control Freak in your life. The inner workings of this person are fear and anxiety, yet this person is so out of touch with their emotions to be aware and is afraid to do so. Their work worries are others not acknowledging them for their accomplishments or how brilliant they are and they worry about failure. In relationships, they worry about themselves getting hurt and their needs not getting met. No one could live up their expectations.

To control their fears, the Control Freak makes every attempt to control the people or the environment around them. Control Freaks have difficulty with negotiation or compromise because they view these traits as weak. Imperfection in another from their view is very wrong and cannot be tolerated. Yes, control freaks are difficult to work with, live with and to participate in activities with.

It is very normal to have harsh resentments towards these kinds of people. Working with or being involved with a control freak is stifling to your identity and to your health. You feel shut down and restricted. It is as though they pressed the mute button on your life. You end up walking on eggs shells around this person because you need to follow along with their rules that you will never get right because they never disclosed the rules or take your thoughts and feelings into consideration. It is game that you can never win because by design you will never receive a rule handbook or notification when the rules change.

Yes this is why you resent these people.

I want to help you to see the situation differently, so you can heal quicker and you will no longer take these folks so personal. You may even see these folks from a comical and compassionate place.

Ready? Here is bottom line, the control freaks behaviors tell everyone around them that they are incompetent and they just cannot trust you or anyone. This is because the Control Freak is continuously defending him/herself against their fears and anxiety. I know this is not very clear when they are making their demands, yet beneath the surface, the Control Freak is fighting off their own deep seated sense of helplessness and ineffectiveness in which creates a lot of shame, guilt, anger and fear inside of the Control Freak. By becoming proficient at trying to control other people, they push away their own fear of being out of control and helpless. Controlling is a Fear-based management tool.

The control freak has a lot at stake, if you really think about it through their eyes. Remember when you have held a conversation or attempted engage them in some way, if you paid attention to their physiology, you would have noticed a shift in their physical appearance. This is because their emotional stakes involve protecting/defending their own identity and sense of well-being. Control gives them the temporary illusion of calmness. When they believe they are dominant, you can watch the tension leaking from them. The control freak is very alarmed and fear driven. Part of their strategy is to induce that fear in you with the indirect threat of loss. Since the emotional stakes are so high for them, they need to assert themselves with you so they do not feel so helpless. To surrender control is the same as being victimized and overwhelmed. When a control freak cannot control, they go through a series of rapid phases. First they become angry and agitated, then they become panicky and apprehensive, then they become agitated and threatening, and then they lapse into depression and despair. In layman terms, they Freak Out.

Repetition Compulsion
Control freaks become addicted to repetition compulsion. They repeat the same pattern again and again to avoid their fear, insecurities and pain that they feel. People they attempt to control may change yet the pattern of what they do is always the same. The repetition compulsion takes on a life of its own, which becomes delusional. Rather than feel calmer and therefore have a diminished need to be controlling, their behavior locks them into the same pattern in a voracious way. It becomes their drug of choice. Always needing more victims to control and feed off of. Even though the Control Freak is a Master at controlling and manipulating others, the successes do not register in their internal scoreboard. The insanity truly is they have to fight off the same threat again and again with increasing rigidity and narrow-mindedness. This leads the Control-Freak to make the same life style choices all starting and ending in the same manner. Nothing really changes for the Control Freak. They do the same thing over and over.

Two Types of Control Freaks

Type 1 Control Freaks: The Type 1 control freak is strictly attempting to cope with their fear in an egocentric way. Their motive is to feel better. They are not very aware of you. Notice and see their agitation and nervousness. They usually do not make much eye contact when they are talking with you.

Type 2 Control Freaks: The Type 2 control freak is also trying to manage their fear in an egocentric way yet in addition they are very aware of you as opposed to the Type 1 control freak. The Type 2 needs to weaken you to feel better. Their mood rises as they push you down. They do not just want to triumph; they also need to believe that they have defeated you. They need you to feel helpless so they will not feel helpless. Their belief is that someone must feel helpless in any interchange and they desperately do not want it to be them. The Type 1 needs control. The Type 2 needs to control you.

Cutting the Strings with the Control Freak

1) Be calm. Control freaks tend to generate a lot of tension in those around them. Try to maintain a comfortable distance so that you can remain centered while you speak with them. Focus on your breathing. As they get more agitated and demanding, allow yourself to breathe slowly and deeply. By staying calm and focused, this often has the effect of relaxing them as well. If you get frantic you have joined the battle on their terms.

2) Speak very slowly. The normal tendency is to gear up and speak rapidly when dealing with a control freak. This will only draw you into the emotional turmoil and you will quickly be personalizing what is occurring.

3) Be very patient. Control freaks need to feel heard. The fact of the matter is they do not have that much to say. It is only when you engage them in a power struggle or challenge their disposition; they will have a lot to verbally unload. By listening and acknowledging them that you have heard them, and then they will resolve whatever the issue is and calmly move on.

4) Pay attention to your induced reactions. What is this person trying to emotionally induce in you? Notice how you feel when speaking with them. It will give you important clues as to how to deal with them more effectively and appropriately.

5) Initially, let them control the agenda. You control the pacing. If you stay calm and speak your truth slowly, you will be in command of the pacing of the conversation.

6) Treat them with kindness. Within most control freaks is a good measure of paranoia. They are ready to get angry and defend against what they perceive is a controlling hostile world. If you treat them with respect and kindness, their paranoia cannot take root. This will jam them up.

7) Make demands on them-- especially when dealing with the type 2 control freak. Ask them to send you something or do something for you. By asking something of them, you will be indicating that you are not intimidated or diminished by their behavior patterns. ( Yet if they do not deliver your request, do not take it personal, they are very unreliable. Unless the request allows them to control you more. )

8) Remember an old but poignant Maxim: “Those who demand the most often give the least.”

Keep in mind that control freaks are not trying to hurt you – they’re trying to protect themselves. Remind yourself that their behavior toward you isn’t personal; the compulsion was there before they met you, and it will be their forever unless they get professional help and have the willingness to change. You cannot make them get help. They are no different than a drug addict or an alcoholic. Their behavior is not a problem for them; it is a problem for you. They live in denial that a problem exists. Understand they are skilled manipulators, artful and intimidating, well-rehearsed storytellers and excellent at distorting reality.

In order to not feel degraded, humiliated and have your sense of self and self-worth assaulted, you need to reclaim your genuine worth so you do not allow yourself to be bulldozed by a controlling lover, family member, boss or friend. When you are caught up in a truly destructive/controlling attachment, the best response is to walk out and allow yourself to heal and detach. Understand that whatever you do, it will have a limited effect. These people are angry and afraid to let go of you. So it is your job to let go of them, protect yourself in the process… and allow you to grow and be who you truly are.


Genuinely,

Christine

Counterfactual Thinking

Counterfactual Thinking
“

We are so trained in the thought system of fear and attack that we get to the point where natural thinking -- love -- feels unnatural and unnatural thinking -- fear -- feels natural. It takes real discipline and training to unlearn the thought system of fear.”

Marianne Williamson

The human condition has been trained exceptionally well in acting out of limitation, counterfactual thinking and from a fear mindset. We see fear and limitation in behaviors such as codependency and addiction, procrastination, envy, neediness, inaction, avoidance, obsession, self-pity, compulsion, acting out of scarcity, excuse driven and passive-aggressiveness.

This lengthy list of behaviors is easy to identify in others yet very difficult to see in ourselves. Many fail to recognize the true meaning behind these behavior and psychological conditions. Humans are masters at externalizing and come to conclusions easily about one another. We allow our minds to go on endless journey’s looping to only end up in a counterfactual thinking pattern that creates judgments based on our values, beliefs and filters of perception.

Humans believe they really have the facts, yet the fact of the matter is the wrinkles in perception need to be ironed out before one can really know anything. To know something is be certain. Uncertainty is not to know. Knowledge is power because it is certain and certainty is strength. Perception is temporary because it is subject to fear or love.

When our perceptual filters think FEAR, (the fear is deep down in our subconscious), sometimes attitudes and behaviors become one of pure selfishness and entitlement –“what is yours is mine and what is mine is mine.” This motto is demonstrated through people who want to ramble about themselves yet never expresses interest in other person or believe they are entitled to take claim to the earned life perks of another. This person desires to take from life and gives very little back. This person’s fear leads to hoarding, envy and coveting, avoidance, greed, bashing, blaming, deliberate meanness, and a person who thinks life is doing something to them and is all about them.

In this cycle of FEAR, we limit our possibilities to end up prisoners in our own minds. Because we are prisoners, we suffer, struggle, personalize and fail to see the doorway to freedom which feeds the psychological dilemma in the United States.

Part of the psychological dilemma in our society is we continue to validate unbalanced behavior and play games of deception with ourselves and with others. The hidden cost of fear and this deception I would argue is more qualitative than quantitative yet by no means is the Fear insignificant. To understand Fear one is required to get inside another’s world and mindset, to feel what is like in order to figure out the logical outcomes of these experiences. Below is an example to think about:

In previous years an employee receives very positive performance appraisals and today in his performance appraisal learns he is bypassed by a junior employee for promotion advancement. The reasons behind this decision were unclear to the employee. He felt management was unwilling to talk about the issue. As a consequence this employee starts believing there is an unknown hidden agenda to advance in the organization. Resulting in this employee’s self-talk shifting to – “why should I be a team player? Why should I do more than my share or work any additional hours at night or on the weekends? My boss sucks and so does this company after all I have done for them… I’m not doing anymore than what I need to do. The pay is the same either way… I ‘m doing the bare minimum and no more. I should retaliate against this management team --- I show them what their missing and I am not helping anyone. I am looking out for myself and myself only. So there !!!!! #%$$&%$&$ !!! “

To fully comprehend what this situation costs an organization, it is important to think about the attitude shift in this employee. Whether the emotional reactions are right or wrong is irrelevant. The issue is the employee believes management is unwilling to talk about the issue and has a hidden agenda. This magnifies the disappointment and transformed it into bitterness and resentment that went unaddressed except perhaps in the company gossip and rumor mill.

It is easy to see how this employee’s negativity can leak into everyday situations exactly at times when his intelligence, energy and dedication are needed. With having low energy, this person is very likely not to contribute ideas to resolve dilemmas facing the team. Others view this person as “withdrawn, checked-out and negative” and this attitude give others permission to share their stories. Now the discussions end up spreading into pessimistic cycle of unproductively. The strength of the team weakens and the special talents are withdrawn.

These shifting effects then place greater demand on the management who then needs to become more attentive, active and directive leading in turn to an even less initiative on the employee’s part and the creation of a self-reinforcing negative pattern.

Then the greatest costs are generated: the cost of unnecessary management time and energy. This includes the direct intervention by management to compensate for the lack of energy, motivation and positive alignment illustrated by employees. Management and Leadership end up doing more, solving more and controlling more – in essence micromanaging. The leadership feels unable to trust and delegate to others for the tough challenges. Leadership ends up making more decisions for people and become the center for more approvals, then in turn builds a more expensive hierarchy and bureaucracy. Then because management and leadership become exhausted and frustrated with tension, they end up needing a skilled professional such as me to intervene, which adds more cost.

Leadership time is expensive. If leadership is micromanaging, then who is steering the organization? In one comparative small instance a senior manager calculated he spent 100 hours of his own time and 175 hours had been spent by other top staff to resolve an issue that should have been handled by managers closer to the front line. The top manager took on the problem because he feared potential repercussions from the top executive.

The fear of addressing the problem costs because fear will ripple across the organization. Fear is an aggressive predator blocking creativity, trust and joy. Fear deteriorates motivation, teamwork and commitment and instills the need to control while aiding in the propensity to stagnate and deteriorate. When the fear of addressing the real issue prevails, the workload of management gets bigger and bigger at every level.

A common psychological dilemma of today is most people complain about what they are sick of in society yet they take no real course of action to create real change. Our society is growing sicker because of the fearful mindset of so many. We hear so many say things such as “ I don’t give a damn anymore” or It’s just not worth the headaches and ulcers. I will no longer strive for excellence” or “ I have a long-term attitude of not caring. I’ll just do the basics of the job and survive” These attitudes are toxic and are addictive leaches looking to spread its poison. This is where the addictive codependent cycle continues.

More and more people behave as codependents and participate in the addictive behaviors that society has normalized. These psychological conditions that are floating through our societal matrix: workplace, relationships, politics, religious houses, TV and movies; are often not understood.

Codependent behavior often is not scrutinized because these people are devoted to the family system, the organizational system, and to their relationships because they excel at behaving as “professional caregivers”. These folks make themselves indispensible to others will do whatever it takes to be “liked”. I mean anything. If someone doesn’t like them or want to be their friend they take it very personally. They want to be validated for their thoughts, their contributions, and their mere presence. They will get upset for the smallest things and take everything personal.

I have worked with many codependents. Here is an example of the personalization:

At a regularly scheduled business meeting with no assigned seats, the codependent individual became accustomed to sitting at certain spot in the room. The codependent person’s participation level in the meeting is listening to be informed and learn more about the subject(s) being discussed in the meeting. Because this person became addicted to sitting in a certain seat and place in the room, when someone else sat in that seat where this person became accustomed to sitting and was unfriendly, the codependent felt it was a personal attack and conspiracy. The codependent took this very personal and felt “un-liked” because this codependent was supporting the cause by sitting in this certain chair and spot in the room. The codependent wants everyone to see their value and validate them.

These people are the volunteers; they set aside their own physical, emotional and spiritual needs for the sake of others. They end up overburdened and exhausted while other people see them as hero’s holding up society or the project or the cause. Yet they can be very exhausting to people who are self-sufficient or do not want or welcome their assistance because they come across as meddlers interfering in that person’s boundaries or not respecting the person does not welcome them in their space.

Codependents are selfless to the point of hurting themselves. They work and care for others to such an extreme that they develop various physical and emotional problems. Then and only then, they allow themselves to be cared for and nurtured. The reason codependents do all this for people so the people they care for become dependent on them. This is where the disease sets in. Codependents not only have relationships with addicts, they behave as an addict. They are not necessarily drug or alcohol abusers yet they do use other addictive means compulsively and habitually. They take on an exaggerated responsibility for others. They confuse love and pity with the propensity to love people they can pity and rescue.

Codependents have relationship addictions. They form and maintain relationships that are one-sided or emotionally destructive or abusive. These folks have low self-esteem. They search for anything outside of themselves to make them feel better. They have extremely good intentions to take care of a person who is experiencing difficulty. Yet the caretaking becomes addictive, needy, compulsive and defeating. Codependents often take on a martyr’s role and become “benefactors” to an individual in need.

The problem is that these repeated rescue attempts allow the needy individual to continue on a destructive course, blurring boundaries and sometimes becoming disconnected from reality and they create their own idealism. They become even more dependent on the unhealthy caretaking of the “benefactor.” As this reliance increases, the codependent develops a sense of reward and satisfaction from “being needed.”

When the caretaking becomes habitual, the codependent feels helpless in the relationship and becomes an addict who is unable to break away from the cycle of behavior that caused the addiction. Codependents view themselves as victims and are attracted to that same weakness in romance, friendship and workplace relationships. They constantly seek validation for their martyr efforts to save someone from their circumstances otherwise if validation is not received; they feel hurt because they have an extreme need to approval and recognition.

Another example I have experienced is codependents become very attached to what they create and invest their time in. This is a core essence of the additive pattern. For example:

A group of folks create policies and procedures. The group falls in love with their creation. Upon execution completion and used by all they affected it is realized their creation does not serve the affected in a positive uplifting manner; instead it brings more struggle and lack into the equation. The policy and procedure creators personalize the feedback from the affected instead of scrutinizing the outcome which resulted in creating more troubling difficult consequences for all involved, including themselves. The codependent addictive thinking focuses on the affected NOT liking their policy rather than creating win-win results that all prosper from. This is a very costly addictive game to play. It is a poor investment in time and in money. The feedback is a priceless tool to utilize.

Codependents are very susceptible and they believe that people tell them the truth when they are down-right lying. They want to be good, be liked, and be included. These three motivators are so powerful that they take precedence over sound judgment. They cannot see when they are being tricked, lied to or deceived by others or through self-deception because they choose NOT to see. This is because the Addictive System invites all to deny seeing people and things as they really are and only as the codependent wants them to be. By this refusal, the codependent end’s up disrespecting that other person or group. It is only when people are seen as they really are; they can honor, accept and own up to the responsibility to be accountable for their part in society and for themselves. It is only when an individual owns up to who they really are, is when the option to become something else occurs.

The codependent receives very little encouragement to get well because the disease supports our culture and our culture supports the disease. Codependents exhibit some of the most valued and some of the most despised characteristics in society. The behavior of the codependent is perceived as nice, righteousness, correctness and the ability to be understanding. This selfishness is often camouflaged as dishonesty. Rather than directly communicating what they want, they use indirect devious means to say what they want. They avoid facing an issue and they talk around and about people, not to them. They rumor, innuendo and gossip to manipulate others to create confusion. And it is very passive-aggressive to the point where they will do almost anything to avoid confrontation because they FEAR not being LIKED.

Sadly, these behaviors are considered normal.

(as a reminder this situation expands in a different continuum of intensity. Please be aware that only a qualified professional make this judgment on an individual or an organization. )

This normalization is sucking us into an addictive fear based illusion that defines its own reality. This illusion has people believing we have an economic problem instead of facing up to the FACT that the United States of America has a true psychological problem. The mind of American society is closed and addicted to FLUFF. This closed fluffy mind believes the future and the present will be the same so therefore why do anything different. This establishes a mind state that attempts to counteract an underlying fear that the future will be worse than the present. This fear inhibits the tendency to evolve, flourish and most of all HAVE the PROSPERITY OF OUR BIRTHRIGHT.


This fear flourishes and floats in the news, on social media, and in passing conversations. This Fear based addictive system defines itself on a basis to support its reality: its control, its judgment, its illusion of perfection, shifting thinking processing into left brain constructs and leaving out right brain creativity, to keep the dishonesty and denial alive.

We see evidence of this illusion in everyday life. Our media feeds us subliminal food in paid advertisements, mass communications, reports on business organizations, leaders, politicians, professional sport athletes and many movies and TV programs that illustrate these deep root psychological conditions.

All these illusions create a reality of misperceptions of Counterfactual Thinking Process on a complicated system of fear defenses. Which I know is a bunch of NONSENSE !!!!! Because we have given into the illusion in order to fit in and live as the addict.

The recovery process of Counterfactual Thinking requires our thoughts to shift from FEAR to LOVE. I am not speaking of the illusion of Love that falls apart once fear or hatred enters into the relationship. What I am speaking of is to HEAL our thinking and our Behavior. In this healing we cross a safe bridge very quietly shifting our thoughts from fear to love. In Love no illusion exists because it based on Facts. In the illusion of love, barricades against it occur, the love is broken, fear rushes in and triumphs.

Real love does not have triumphs. Only illusions and counterfactual thinking triumphs; this is a mistake in our thinking. The illusion of love can triumph over the illusion of FEAR with a price associated to maintain both illusions. Conflicts occur within us when we need to make a choice between these two illusions. Both choices are equally dangerous because this is where most people avoid, indecision sets in and complacency becomes the accepted pattern.

Our job is to overcome all the barriers within ourselves that we have built against the truth of love. We can have the dreams of our heart and soul once were learn to stop the resistance to LOVE.

The path to find this truth is taking steps forward to diminish all the psychological fearful dilemmas one by one. Forgiveness and Empathy are part of the keys to open the door to freedom and to stop the psychological destruction. These steps on this journey lead to the union within each one of us which provides knowledge and certainty that leads to an evolving uplifted society.

My friends what would happen if you didn’t travel through the fear? And what would happen if you did learn to LOVE?

Genuinely,

Christine

Christine M. West – PhD-c is an Industrial Organizational Psychology Practitioner and Alternative Health Therapist who owns and operates TheBusinessMD. TheBusinessMD is a result oriented service provider that guides the behavior of people toward their intended outcome. TheBusinessMD is predominantly skilled in the areas of discerning and solving psychological dilemmas, human analysis, behavior modification, and emotional and social intelligence.

Why Pay Attention to the Cost of Fear in your Organization?

Ladies and Gentlemen

It is a non-debatable fact that Fear is interrupting and costing American organizations and individuals billions of dollars in wellness and production loss. These Fear based responses have resulted in safety accidents, risk-aversion, indecisiveness, a misdirected focus, an attitude of blame, lack of awareness, service, and effectiveness which results in a culture of separation, dissatisfaction, increased stress and a loss in time and money.

When humans are filled with fear and stress, deals tumble, humans fumble and projects crumble. No magic pill or wand exists to fix these human complexities.Human factors such as fear are not solved by quantifying numbers. To unravel fear courageous action must be applied to dive deeper inside the organization past all facades to identify the root cause of the problem. Once identified, an opportunity to direct change can take place.

The main key to significant change is to learn to let go of fear. We are meant to thrive instead of only survive. We cannot return back to start a new beginning, yet we can start today and create a new ending. In doing so, organizations improve their profitability, effectiveness, efficiencies, safety performance, quality, customer satisfaction, cultural cohesion and wellness.

It takes a daily practice of courage and paying attention to replace unproductive practices with new productive behaviors. The new behavior absolutely needs to be aligned with the organizations identity, values, vision and mission to be beneficial; otherwise new direction will be a constant struggle.

Strategic Organizational Change and Adaptation is an ongoing daily evolution. Yet too often the daily practice is forgotten. Fear, managing stress and optimal human effectiveness in most organizations has been an ongoing challenge for all layers of leadership, management and human resource professionals.

John Kotter, who is an industry expert in leading change, has written many publications on explaining why many change efforts fail. Kotter states the first mistake organizations make is failing to establish a sense of urgency. Most organizations have acted latent with fear and other human factor difficulties and have failed to create a sense of urgency to address the cost of fear. I am inviting you to be different, to be the exception. Fear is a real COST that affects wellness, time, safety, productivity and the bottom-line. It is time to develop genuine courage and the power to STOP FEAR guiding you and the organization. The time is now to Master Fear.

On Tuesday January 19, 2010, you are invited to an online training series titled, “How to Master Fear in Challenging Times”. My approach is unique and is a highly practical perspective on how to strategize past Fear. You will depart the training with easy concepts to apply immediately to your conditions.

Questions: What is social health and advocacy worth? What are you worth? What is your Human Capital Worth?

For product details and value-added benefits: http://cli.gs/JWLX2

Remember your participation counts: http://cli.gs/JWLX2

Thank you.

In Genuineness,

Christine M. West, PhD-C

TheBusinessMD

Remember to Be Humble (Re-publish)

REMEMBER TO BE HUMBLE

Originally Published in TNNW blog
http://thenationalnetworker.blogspot.com/2009/09/go-west-remember-to-be-humble.html

Friday, September 25, 2009
GO WEST !!! Remember to be Humble


Go West! with Christine M. West, MS, CMHT

One of the most powerful lessons that I have ever learned as a business professional and especially as a speaker for hire is the power behind humbleness. I was reminded of this valuable lesson recently. This invisible power within humbleness was well illustrated recently at a conference that I was an attendee at.

One speaker, who I would rate as stupendous and presented exceptionally well, acted out some key behaviors for all of us to be reminded of. This presenter, who I will name for this article as Credible-Chris, understood the power behind humbleness. Credible-Chris provided value and maintained rapport with his audience because of the following:

1. He demonstrated topic expertise by providing substance, value and practicality.
2. His presentation naturally flowed and 90 minutes flew by fast.
3. He had excellent professional boundaries. When he was outside of his own expertise he identified what expert would be needed.
4. He promoted his services by “walking the talk” instead of behaving arrogantly and telling the audience of his greatness.
5. He involved his audience by engaging in activity that created awareness to identifying the problem to be solved and offering basic solution orientated strategies.
6. He spoke the language of the audience.
7. He gave creditability to ideas in his lecture that stemmed from a different originator.
8. He lived up who he said he was in his bio.
9. He indirectly sold his value proposition by demonstrating it.
10. (By the way his presentation was on Organizational Value, he clearly provided value.)



Another speaker at the conference that stood out for me acted professionally ridiculous. He was an excellent reminder of what NOT to do. I will name him Ridiculous-Ramon. Ridiculous-Ramon, made some very costly mistakes and obviously did NOT remember that GREATNESS comes from a state of being,NOT from a state of telling.


One of the saddest parts for Ridiculous-Ramon was claiming his expertise to be in Psychophysiology of Linguistics. That states he is a communication expert. His bio stated that he worked in the personal growth industry for the past 20 years. These are awesome credentials yet by not truly being able to communicate and engage your audience when you claim you can ------ is Pathetic for any professional.

The story gets worse. The list of mistakes was incredible. The following was my observation:

1. He did not take into account that others in the audience, such as me have an expertise that can validate the credibility of his message.
2. He forgot that I knew him prior to writing a book and I knew him as a salesman, not as a personal growth expert.
3. He lacked professional boundaries, integrity and ethics. He claimed a professional expertise that he did not have. When an audience participant asked who else has done research on what he claims is factual, he said he is the only person on the planet.


(Ridiculous-Ramon did not invent Neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) Bandler and Grinder did or Neuro-Associative Conditioning Systems this was Anthony Robbins. Ridiculous-Ramon holds a Master of ART in Counseling not a PhD in Linguistics or Psychology or Sociology or even Anthropology) He created an application to teach the layman how to communicate easier and is using concepts from Anthony Robbins. Anthony Robbins work is based off of concepts in NLP, and NLP is based off of concepts of Social Learning Theory and Cognitive Learning Theory which are the work of Albert Bandura who is a Psychologist who expanded other psychological change theories.

Validity and Reliability of your message are very important claims to professionalism and holding credibility.

A concept is far more credible if you can share with you audience the building blocks of your concept as Credible-Chris did so eloquently.

4. He was arrogant and made the presentation a sales pitch of his greatness and all about him.

5. He was scheduled to lecture for 90 minutes and completed his lecture in 30 minutes. He asked the room moderator how much time he had after 30 minutes, then after 45 minutes, and then after 60 minutes…... This was painful to watch. Pacing is part of communication.

6. He had difficulty engaging with his audience, this skill is called rapport and is a major part of communication.

7. He lacked substance and did not tailor his material toward the industry he was speaking with and claimed his material would transform their specific industry culture. He provided no evidence of how or evidence of where he transformed a culture with this method before. He only gave examples on how to apply his concept to increase sales.

He knows a lot about sales because when I met him he was a sales professional five years ago. And by the way this was not a sales conference, it was a safety conference.

8. He put me on the spot by introducing me as a friend instead of as a professional colleague or acquaintance with a certain expertise. He asked me if he always walks his talk. I stated to the audience I need to be ethical and be honest. I said most of the time yet we are all human and are subject to human error. The audience actually for the first time started to laugh. Life did exist in this audience. Ridiculous-Ramon then grew defensive and illustrated that defense with his audience.

9. After the audience exited the room, Ridiculous-Ramon said to me “that was a tough audience, I could not get them engaged.” I replied “I noticed and least you did too something for you to think about” and I exited.



In conclusion, both speakers I learned something from. When I think about Credible-Chris he is an expert I would like to develop a professional relationship with. When I think of Ridiculous-Ramon, I smile, giggle out loud for a moment and Remember to Be Humble.

Genuinely,

Christine

Author: Christine M. West, TheBusinessMD, 2240 E. Tudor Rd. #976, Anchorage, Alaska, USA 99507. Phone 1-907-223-8403. Email: info@thebusinessmd.net, http://www.businessmd.net/ http://thebusinessmd.blogspot.com/ Christine West is an industrial organizational psychology practitioner and is in private practice as TheBusinessMD which helps organizations and individuals overcome fear and explore the power of change. Ms. West is also a Featured Columnist for the National Networker http://www.thenationalnetworker.com/

For more information, please visit Christine's TNNW Bio.

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Posted by TheBusinessMD at 11:31 PM

Labels: Christine West, go west, speaker, the national networker, TNNW

5 comments:

Margo said...

Christine, good article written from the heart!

One of the books on my reading list is Facing the Dragon by Robert L Moore that deals explicity with this very subject. A very worthwile read for anyone wondering why they are in the nonprofit business, or personal development business. Maybe you have seen it already. I came across this after ministerial school and was at a point in my ministry where I was wondering what I was doing there. The book forced me to look at which ego-needs were running the show as opposed to really serving humanity. Ethically, I had to change or get out....I'm still here.:)

Margo Ruark in Chicagoland
10/20/2009 08:10:00 PM
Sileah said...

Hi Christine, I have to say the same that was a good article. I am currently a student at Kaplan University and my future plan is to be a Psychologist. One day I hope to be able to give a speach like chris you made him sound like the humble person I am working on becoming. I believe that without humbleness you become self servant.
10/22/2009 10:37:00 PM
Bilal J said...

I am bit confused. It seems that the first speaker did the same as the 2nd yet you had a positive bias towards the first speaker?

Yet the first speaker did brief in regards to his bio but you never went into it like you did with the 2nd one. I am just trying to understand what were the specific differences so that I can learn to be more like #1 and #2.

Like others who are reading this article.
10/23/2009 03:38:00 PM
caroline said...

This would be an encredible world if everyone would live with a little humility. I am a firm believer in humility practice.
Conscious humility brings you to a better place and puts life into perspective. Getting caught up in believing you are the end-all be-all leads to justifying any means to the end you desire.
Operating from a place of humility keeps you grounded, which allows you to focus on the true values (ethics being one of those).
When you feel yourself getting a little "too big for your britches" try a little humility practice or just practice it on a regular basis.
Watch the world become a better place.
10/24/2009 12:30:00 AM
Bill Brent said...

This is a wonderful and useful article. One can apply the same principles to writing a how to book, for example.
10/25/2009 12:13:00 AM

Finding Courage in Frightening Times

Dear Friends/Colleagues

Fear is a pressing issue in our businesses, our culture and in our organizational systems and is re-shaping the way we work, live and play.

It is a non-debatable fact that Fear is interrupting and costing American organizations and individuals billions of dollars in wellness and production loss. These Fear based responses have resulted in safety accidents, risk-aversion, indecisiveness, a misdirected focus, an attitude of blame, lack of awareness, service, and effectiveness which results in a culture of separation, dissatisfaction and a loss in time and money.

The key to change is to learn to let go of fear. We cannot return back to start a new beginning, yet we can start today and create a new ending.
I am personally inviting all to join me, Christine M. West, PhD-C, the principal of The Business MD on Tuesday January 19, 2010 for a guided 5-part webinar series. You are invited to listen to a unique and highly practical perspective on how to strategize past Fear, which has become a pressing and costly issue faced by business organizations and individuals today.

Questions: What is social health and advocacy worth? What are you worth?

For product details and value-added benefits: http://cli.gs/JWLX2

Remember your participation counts: http://cli.gs/JWLX2

Thank you.

In Genuineness,

Christine

Business as a Path of Love

In business we all need to relate with other people. Some people we enjoy and others trigger aggravation, frustration, stress, exasperation, annoyance or some kind of negative experience. The best technique that I have found to overcome this negativity is to fearlessly love my customer, myself and all that I do.

All people hunger and thirst for love. Yet most people end up acting out non-loving behavior. It is easy to love those who are good to us and challenging to love those who are unpleasant to deal with. Those people who are unpleasant probably need love the most. How do we overcome this dilemma?

The best answer is to treat people like your dog. Okay, what do I mean? A good pet owner gives a lot of love and attention to their dog and the dog responds in unconditional loyalty and love. Our dogs (pets) idle us, right? This is what we want from our customers, prospects and in our existing relationships.
Loving our pets is easy, right. We go the extra mile to keep our pets happy. We feed them, we nurture them, we clean up after them, we speak honestly and tell them as it is, and in return we receive unconditional acceptance and love. We receive this love from our pets regardless of our mood or temperament because we provide extraordinary service.

If we apply this same concept to business, all people want love and want what they want. As a practice here are some guidelines to follow:

1.Show Appreciation and Gratitude in both your words and your actions.

2.Reward your customer. Your dog enjoys treats, so does your customer. Exceed people’s expectations.

3.A dog owner provides a comfortable bed for their pet to sleep and may in some cases sleep with their dog. Comfort and be friendly with your customer; do not screw your customer or prospect or anyone you interact with. This will damage the relationship. Practice with integrity.

4.A good dog stays in the yard. Keep your customer’s loyal by paying attention to their needs. People will always remember how you made them feel and how you reacted to their circumstances. Make it easy for your customers, prospects and all that interact with you. Keep a good track record of being reliable. If you are hard to get along with and your customers experience difficulties doing business with you, this is where your customer starts to wander. Keep your customers happy.

5.When my dog barks, it is because she wants me to check out an identified problem. Do not shush your customer or prospect. Give attention to their concern.

6. Create fun and thrilling experiences for your customer. Business is an adventure. Create fun and positive enthusiasm for all that you serve.

7.Practice: Fearlessly Loving MYSELF and ALL that I do and ALL that I experience.

The greatest reward in my work is guiding an individual or a group past FEAR into a sacred space of love. I love seeing my clients change magically. I am continuously inspired and honored by those who have trusted in me to be their guide. By fearlessly loving myself, I can fearlessly love and serve my client. The moment I forget to act out this practice, is the moment I end up turning my back on love.

Genuinely,
Christine

This article has been inspired from a friend and a professional colleague who is experiencing a severely stressful crisis in her life. She expressed her appreciation for me helping her currently standup, face and overcome her some of her deepest FEARS. She told me today if wasn’t for me, she still would be stuck.
Thank you - I am honored to be your trusted guide.